09.11.2004
gotta wash my spanky pants!
dear diary;
i am in a good mood (= ive been very hyper today no clue why. hah i think its all the food i ate. haha anyways yea. im not auditioning for dance ensemble anymore because of my mother. long story, dont ask. but im still taking hip hop after school & maybe hula with ingrid? dont know about that yet. but yes hip hop for sure & its with the spirit squad coach/choreographer lady. so hey it'll help for spirit squad try outs maybe? lol yep anyways i feel like ive been such a bitch to everyone. i dont know im just really moody now a days. its weird blah i think im pmsing. haha i feel bad because i was sposed to help my aunt wash her car but i got stuck on the computer uploading songs from a cd. i could have done that later but i just had to do it at that moment because i dont know i wanted to. gah that just reminds me of what my mom said about me when we had the whole arguement about the dance ensemble thing. well i guess yea i'll talk about it now. she was saying that i was being inconsiderate and self centered because i would make my grandma and sister wait for an hour or more everyday after school if i took dance classes. i mean they could go look for something else to do or go somewhere and not just sit in the car waiting for me. god i dont know first they tell me to get involved with school and when i finally they tell me i cant do it. i finally want to do something and i get put down. i hate how hypocrital they are. its just stupid. whatever and this whole argument just had to happen in the morning before my mom dropped me off at school. i was so pissed that day and i just wanted to cry. i hate how i let my mom get to me like that. i told my grandma why i wasnt trying out anymore because she was asking why i didnt go to the preaudtion anymore. then yesterday my dad told me that my grandma wouldnt mind picking me up once a week after the dance class. so yea im thankful for having a grandma like her as much as i bitch about her i love her.
i cant wait to get my license next summer or sooner hopefully because then finally i wont have to be relying on people for rides. freedom at last? i hope so. because sometimes i feel so damn tied down here at home. i feel so damn overprotected. i feel like i live in a freaking glass bubble. i need my freedom, i need time away from my parents, i need time away from the stupid house, i just need to get away. i want to leave right now. hey maybe i really will move away for college. i really cant stand things in my family right now. knowing my parents theyre probably going to want to keep me as close to home as possible. i want to stay but then again i want to leave. i want to go somewhere where nobody knows me so i can start out fresh. i just really want to leave right now.
blah okay enough of that. moving on to my weird dream, which lately ive been having really weird dreams. well last night i just all of a sudden missed jason. random. but yea i just had this urge to talk to him. but i decided to go to sleep because i was tired and it was late already. so in my dream i was in my room on the bed and jason was there, and i heard the garage open and i said hey my moms home i should open the door so she doesnt think we're doing anything. (haha this made me laugh when i thought about the dream when i woke up) and so i open the door and my mom was in my bathroom and she was like naevon come here. and she started asking me why i didnt tell her that jason was coming over and then all of a sudden she was like oh you should ask him to stay for dinner and sleep over. so i was like okay and then my mom did this kick and asked me if it was ok? haha i dont know but thats what she did. anways so i went back to my room and told jason and then a few minutes later my mom came into my room again and told us to go downstairs to have dinner. when we got down there my dad grandma and sister were already eating. then we randomly started talking about where jason was going to sleep. and my dad told him that he should sleep on the floor in my room. and i was like no his back is going to hurt. and then jason says no its okay i stretched. and i was like okay nevermind. then my dad and jason just started talking about somehting i dont remember what because i was busy eating. haha then yea i went to take a shower and when i got back into the room jason had all the pillows and blankets on the floor. then the last thing i remember is that he never ended up sleeping there. we were sleeping together on my bed. and thats when i woke up. lol okay yess that was a very strange dream. i couldnt stop thinking about it this morning. haha it felt like it really happend. lol okay thats enough blabbing in this thing. til next time. byeee!
[edit] yess i know this entry has already been long but i have nothing else to do. i just started thinking about who am i really? at school im just this happy person smiling & being hyper all the time. but then am i really just putting up a front? because sometimes i just feel like shit and i dont really show it. and when i do have a bad day and someone notices they think im acting weird. cant someone just have a bad day? i mean we all have one. i also feel really fake when im around emily because i can tolerate her now i guess, but at the same time i get annoyed by her really easily. i dont know i guess its just the constant reminders of what happened last year. i feel weird around her and sam now because over the summer the two got even closer and when im with both of them i feel really out of place. thats why im happy that i have all my lunches with chelle. and lately chelle and i have been talking a lot. and were having i guess what you would call deeper conversations. i feel like we got close because she understands what im going through with my mom and i understand her problems that shes having. im just happy to have her as a friend (= anways and then theres when im with my parents, i dont really know how to describe how i am. i keep wanting to paint this picture of a "big happy family" when in reality i dont really have an open communication line with them and im sitting in my room thinking about how pissed they made me or whatever. i feel like im always trying to live up to something im really not. i dont know what im trying to say, i just started thinking about stuff as usual. blah okay enough, i need to stop. im going to go write in my other journal. something i havent done in a while. laterr
--9:21 PM
♥naevon