07.18.2005
mistakes we knew we were making.
dear diary;
so ive been thinking a lot, as usual especially after reading some things. yea. so i miss him, a lot. =/ i still have feelings for him but theyre just hidden right now. i know that if i see him again, well its all just going to come rushing back like it always does. i still have a lot to say to him. even though we did talk about everything theres still a lot left unsaid. i was typing a lot over the weekend and last week. i had about 3 pages worth of things to say. i would put that on here but im not at home. so i'll do that later. well i just have to say that i still like him and yes i miss him but if anythings going to happen to us in the future hes going to have to prove himself to me, as do i to him.
well im going to go hang out with chelle now. no more computer. haha arrite bye kids.
so as i said earlier i had some things to say to someone. well this is kinda long.
dear you, well ive still got somethings that ive wanted to say to you and i still want to talk to you about it. but for now seeing as we're not talking this is the best i can do to vent.
I’ve finally let my guard down, Letting my real emotions, feelings come out. No more fronting, no more lying…to myself. I’ve gone on long enough without shedding a single tear, That has turned into a river flowing freely across my face. I told myself so many times that I’m over it, I’m moving on, I have to move on, because he has. Then I became angry and thought “how could you do this to me? How could you just replace me like that? Did I mean nothing? Was what we had worth anything to you at all?” I’ve tried to look at everything from your point of view and realized all my own flaws. But its unfair to say “yes I will wait for you if I have to, I’ll wait five years if I have to.” then turn around and do the opposite. Which makes me question “was he really sincere?” or was he just saying that to say it. A big part of me wants to believe that his intentions were from the heart but I have that tiny piece of doubt lingering around. I know in my heart that he was truly sincere but I still have that one thought, “what if?” I’ve got to be blunt and say this, between the two of us I think I am the stronger one, emotionally that is. I’m not saying that out of spite or to get back at you but I think it’s true. Hey you even said it was true but just not in those exact words. I have a bigger understanding and that’s something that he lacks or just needs to work on. I could handle certain things while you just couldn’t. I know that we both have our own flaws that we need to work on. We’re not perfect but still I accept you for who you are. I love you for who you are and that’s what matters.
I know that we had our “last” talk and there should be closure, right? But I’ve still got some things left to say. I know throughout everything I kept saying yes I’m going to talk to my parents and you were extremely patient with that. But you too could have been stronger and waited just a little bit longer. I was still trying to find my courage, my voice with my parents. I had a rocky relationship with my parents. It can’t even be described as rocky, it was more like non-existent. And I made this clear to you that it would be hard for me and you were understanding of that but I guess you just got fed up. You may think hey whats the big deal? We just want to go out and be together, so whats the problem with that? But with my parents it was a big deal and you should have known this from what everyone had told you. It was a big deal, to my parents anyways. That’s what you didn’t understand. I know my parents had their own faults too. My dad especially but you’ve got to cut him some slack. This stage of my life was all new to him. He wasn’t sure what to do but be a protective dad of his daughter, his first born. Ask any dad and they’ll give you the same answer, “no matter what she’ll always be my little girl. I don’t care if she’s 36 and married, she’s still and always will be my little girl.” I guess its just an understanding that comes with maturity. Maybe maturity has nothing do with it. Maybe you just needed a better understanding of my family and how things work. I tried explaining it to you but I guess you didn’t get it or just got impatient. I know that my dad didn’t have to say those things but you could have been a bigger person and at least tried to get to know him.
We said so many things to each other. We told each other we would wait. We would do anything to be together. But what happened? Maybe this separation is good. I can honestly say that even in just this past month I have done some serious growing up. I’ve thought about where my life’s heading and the question remains “do I want you to be apart of it? Do you want to be a part of it?” my answer to that question is, who knows what the future has in store for us, we can only wait and find out. As you said it would take some time for you to trust me again to even regain a friendship with me again. Well I feel exactly the same with you. You’ve got a lot to prove to me before anything happens again. If anything happens again. As two people together we’ve gone through a lot. You have shown me so much. You have made a big impact on my life good and bad. But all mostly good. Without you I wouldn’t be where I am now. I love you for that. I thank you for that. As I’ve said so many times you are someone I cant and never will forget about. Through you I have learned so much. Through you I have managed to gain a better understanding of me. Through you I was able to find my voice to have courage. I’ve told you so many times before and I’ll tell you again I will always love you no matter what. I will care about you until the day I die. I will think about you from time to time in my life. I will wonder what has become of you if I don’t ever talk or see you again. I will still worry about you as much as you don’t want to believe that I will. You are a person who will always hold a place in my heart. You will remain there forever. Even after everything, I still love you. I have tried to tell myself that I’m not in love with you anymore just to ease the pain but I can’t. You are my first love. Someone I can’t and never will forget about. Well alls said and done, for now. I’ve still got so much on my mind. I’ve still got so much hope in my heart that maybe one day, just maybe, well who knows, right? I can say this for sure. If it does happen one day then our true colors well whats left of our true colors, will really come out. When we get that chance, if we get that chance again, I want it to be as close to perfect as possible. No screw ups, no secrets, no hiding, no fronting. As for now its better to live life to the fullest and to just live. I have no regrets. None at all. Theres nothing to regret because I loved every single moment of what we shared. We are still connected in that small way. It’ll never fade. I wont let it fade. That connection is the only thing tying us together. Please don’t let go. Well I hope you’re happy. Please be happy. I would rather see you happy than stressed. Seeing you happy honestly makes me happy. Go and experience everything life has to throw at you. Live life, its too short to waste away being sad and stressed. And you know no matter what, even with our past, I will always be here for you, no matter what the case, I have got your back. You were my friend before my loved one. And it will always be like that. I love you and I’m here for you and I miss you.
I’ve just got a couple things more to say. I’ve tried to convince myself so many times that yes I’m over you to take the hurt away but I know that deep down inside I never will be. I want to think that my feelings are all gone but I know in my heart that they are still there waiting to come out again. I want to say that I’m not jealous of you right now but that would be a lie. One thing I can say is that I care about you and I want what’s best for you. So I say again as long as your happy I’m happy. Don’t sell yourself short, you are a good person and you have a lot of potential. I know that you could really make yourself into something if you just put yourself into it.
So I’ve been writing this for a couple days now. And as each day passes I have more and more I want to say. I wish things could have ended better between us. I wish things didn’t have to end between us. I’m still so sad and hurt about what happened. I’ve said so many times I wont get over you and I know I won’t. I still like you, a lot. I really wish things could have turned out for the better. Maybe I just wasn’t ready yet. Maybe I still need to do some growing up. Actually I do need to do more growing up, and so do you. This just wasn’t the right time although I really wanted it to be. For things to even start up again you’ve got to show me that you’ve grown up and changed and I’ve got to prove that to you too. So its not just one of us, it’s both of us. I know I could have also been stronger and less selfish but I was too tied up in thinking about me and my benefits. That was my big mistake and I wish I could have thought things through more. I know there are things that you can’t let go and that’s because that’s just how you are. I know I hurt you and that’s something I don’t want to do again. I know I hurt you big time about prom but I don’t know if you thought about it all the way. Because think about if you were in my shoes with how everything was with my parents. It wasn’t that easy for me. That’s why I kept putting things off. I was just so scared. Talking to my parents was like talking to someone I just met and barely knew anything about. My parents were strangers to me. I knew how they worked but there was always that big wall standing in front of me. That big wall I couldn’t climb over or knock down because I always thought I would get shut down before I ever even got the chance. I don’t know if you understand that because a lot of the time you kept to yourself. I understand that about you because that’s just how you are. Now things in my life are going pretty good. My relationship with my parents has gotten a lot better. I’m sorry to say its because of you and what happened between us. My parents let me out that week after everything happened because they were testing me. They were seeing if they could trust me again. I didn’t even tell them until recently that we’re already broken up. So they thought that we were still together all those times that they have been letting me out. All parents work differently, I guess my parents just took the risk to see if they could trust me again by not locking me up at home. Instead they let me go out. I am happier now because I get to do more but at the same time I am sad because I’ve lost someone I truly care about. Well I didn’t exactly lose you because you’re still here. But I lost you in the sense of being friends and more than friends. I really wish that we get another chance. I miss you more than anything. I think its best though if we wait until we both know what we want. As I said many times before, I still like you a lot and I love you. I will never stop loving you because I care about you deeply. No one could ever take your place. I love you and it is as simple as that. Maybe we’ll get another chance in the future. I have hope that we will. You are my first love, my first everything.
love; naevon
--10:51 AM
♥naevon