July 24, 2005
worried.
dear diary;
honestly, i want it back. i never wanted it to end. i loved everything we had. but i guess its just fate. so where will it lead us now? one thing i can say for sure is; i love you and i always will.
fate; is that really real? hm i think it is. its what brings us to where we are now. its what dictates what happens to us in the future. hm now that i think about it, we dictate what happens to our futures. i guess fate plays a small part in that.
so ive been a bit worried about him. i havent seen him online for a few days now and thats weird. but i thought about it and hes probably just taking some time to think. which is what we both need to do. i really do want to talk to him about everything that has happened to us. i'm glad that he took the time to email me. because it hurt more that he didnt talk to me. i never actually cried over what happened to us. the only time i broke down and cried was when i just got so frustrated with everything and when i really, really just missed him that i couldnt hold back anymore. so it wasnt him who made me cry it was just the thought of losing him and that what we had was just gone. so yea as i said im worried about him. im always worried about him. its just something i cant help but doing cuz yea i care about him deeply. i dunno. so i guess im just sitting here and waiting until he says something because i dont want to force him to talk if he still doesnt feel comfortable. but hey its just me. no need to be scared. i know hes afraid of getting hurt or hurting someone but just take the risk and dont be scared to hurt anyone because someone is going to get hurt eventually but they will heal and get better. its the cycle of life.
[edit]
so ive been thinking about him a lot lately. its hard not too. i really miss him. i cant help it. im getting anxious and i know i shouldnt be but then again, i can't help myself. the most random things bring back all these memories that still make me smile. yea i know that sounds cheesy but thats just how i feel. to this day i think that i will still get butterflies if i know that im going to see him or even talk to him. its just the effect he has on me. i cant change how i feel for him. you cant tell someone who to like and who not to like. it just doesnt work that way. ehh i dont know what im trying to say. i guess that i just really miss him a lot and i want to talk to him.
you say that im better off without you but what if i want to be with you? i guess we'll just see how things go when, if we talk. we'll just take it from there.
im still pretty worried about him. it seems like hes pretty much cut himself off from everyone. but hey i think he needs a break to think. i just hope everything is ok. i want him to know that i am here for him. i want him to know that he can always talk to me about anything, even now. i care about him a lot and i dont want to see him unhappy. seeing the people i love hurt or unhappy makes me sad. but i've got your back. and im here to talk to if you ever need anything.
love; naevon
--10:49 AM
♥naevon